Friday, May 18, 2007

From A- to C+

That title has a double see, as I'm getting bigger in the bust, I'm also getting dumber...

If you get offended by anything just left of PG, stop reading here.

I am unable to find any direct scientific evidence of this, but based on my own experience, I am comfortable to theorize that in the context of pregnancy, the increase in cup-sizes happens in direct correlation on the decrease in IQ.

I'm fond of telling people that I'm planning on having my pregnancy bra bronzed along with The Bean's first booties, I am enjoying my new curves that much.

At first they scared someone of rather flat female charms, they suddenly made a perky appearance and quite literally refused to budge - it impacted my running, ability to wash dishes, bend down, pass people, ride my bike - I even "caught" a bug in my bra on a recent lazy day in the backyard.

They make me smile whenever I catch sight of them - in store windows, the mirror, when I drop my chin - yup, there they are, magnificent. I've had a couple of almost wardobe-malfunctions along the way - once you have these babies, certain outfits that used to be perfectly stylish become very risque. I once taught an entire morning with my jacket was the only decent thing I could do.

They do fill me with hope that I will be a nourisher along with a nurturer for The Bean - I'm excited to give them meaning - beyond my shallow, vain self-admiration.

On the downside of things, I can no longer claim in good concience to be smart or even clever. I say dumb things, I do dumb things and most of the time it doesn't even bother me.

So far I have managed to:
- Say yes, when I mean no, or the other way around, more times than I care to admit. It's always accompanied by a lengthy stuttered account of something that has no merit on whatever the question was.
- Walk into my bank, right up to the counter acting like I had never seen a deposit slip in my life
- Struggle with the digits of my phone number when I leave messages
- "Forget" my cell phone, purse, sunglasses in several places several times. I didn't miss the cell phone for three days
- Try to remember the formula for Celcius to Fahrenheit in front of my class - with little success..."well kids, 60 degree Celcius is really hot" was my lame exit strategy
- Suddenly forget how to spell "character" as well as "exagerate" on the whiteboard, again with my students loving it
- To wander aimlessly, then suddenly turn with a purpose only to wander aimlessly again...

But don't worry, I think I can hang in there for a couple/three more months. I rarely drive and if things get any worse I'll start wearing everything on a lanyard with a return address taped to my forehead.

After all this may be my only chance being a bombshell ever and I'm happily oblivious to the price I have to pay.

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